Augustine of Hippo chronicled his sinful youth and conversion to Christianity in his autobiographical work, Confessions between AD 397 and AD 398. I am not Augustine and this is certainly not a Latin treatise to be emulated by writers for the next millennium. However, Augustine’s work has inspired a new running segment entitled, Minor Confessions of a Major Ass. Occasionally, and by occasionally I mean very often, the memory of a minor offense crops up in the brain matter God blessed (and Adam cursed) me with. I have begun to record these in the Moleskine. If a mature, intelligent saint from the fourth century could share his offenses, then why not an immature, dense dude from the 21st century, but in the format of the age and with less Latin. Without further ado, I give you my first confession:
Mom, Dad, I broke the egg slicer back in fourth grade while I was home alone. That you know. What you don’t know is I lied when I said I was pretending to be an airplane and knocked it off the counter onto the floor causing the metal tines to spring loose. Actually, I was trying to see what else one could slice with an egg slicer. It turns out egg slicers are really only good at slicing hard boiled eggs. Now you know: I lied, and don’t use egg slicers to cut marshmallows.